Part Two: Buck Angel

I think a lot of transgendered people prefer to make themselves as invisible as possible, hoping to blend in with the crowd and be accepted by their gender orientation.

Likewise, I’d bet a lot of non-transgendered people would rather not be confronted by something they perceive as not being very “normal.”

While most people in his situation might choose to hide or try to go unnoticed, the thing I like most about Buck is how open he is and how he’s put himself out there for all to see. He knows he makes people curious and that there’s only one way to help people be educated, as opposed to ignorant. Whenever I’ve talked to him for an article, he’s been patient and totally ready to answer any question – with a thick skin and a good sense of humor.

Even in the world of adult entertainment, where people are used to being completely exposed, it took a lot of guts for Buck to keep knocking down doors and insisting he be accepted for what he is – not a freak show but, truly, a self-made man.

At this year’s AVN Awards, the “Oscars” of porn held every January in Las Vegas, Buck won two trophies – one for Transsexual Performer of the Year, and the other for Most Outrageous Sex Scene, for a scene he performed with male-to-female transsexual performer Allanah Starr, in “Allanah Starr’s Big-Boob Adventure.” Talk about gender mind-bending confusion!

Since then, he’s been traveling a lot, from his home in Mexico. Just in New York for the infamous, annual Black Party on March 24th; Buck was featured at the event in an experimental film called “Schwarzwald.” He’s traveling this week for appearances in Madrid, the UK, Gran Canaria in the Canary Islands, and then back to New York. He will also be speaking at the San Francisco Queer Arts Festival on June 21-22.

The latest movie from Buck Angel Entertainment, “Buckback Mountain” also released this week, featuring himself with Lobo, Mylo Deren and Sean Steele.

I asked Buck, recently, if he feels like he’s living his dream and what the future holds.

“You know, I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined that my life would end up like this. I really feel so lucky,” he replied. “It’s as if I had to go through this really rough period in my early life, to really be able to appreciate what I have been given. Not that I haven’t worked hard to get here, but I had no idea it would become so big.”

“For the future – well, you know, that kind of scares me, but in a good way!” he added. “I just see myself becoming so huge and making such a huge mark on the world. I really see, in the last year, peoples’ interest in me exploding. They really want to know more about me and what I represent. This is so good! The sky’s the limit for me and the future.”

Even if it didn't seem that way back in May 2006 when this interview was conducted, Buck Angel has become a shining example of someone for whom the adult industry has been a positive, self-affirming experience.

JC: Do you ever get really negative response?

Buck Angel: Of course. I’m in a situation – I’m coming in and fucking shit up. Because you know, the industry is very straight-laced in a sense. Everything has its own little category and when you’re not really in… It took me years to get my foot in the door, where people like you are calling me and people are being very respectful to my work.

In the very beginning, nobody would even talk to me. No magazines would talk to me, no video companies would even look at my videos. People were like, ‘You’re disgusting.’

Believe me, it was very difficult for me to get to where I am today because that industry is so, in a sense, vanilla. And they are very categorized. So, basically, where does Buck Angel fit? He doesn’t fit anywhere, from gay to straight to tranny and back again.

My consumer base, at this point, tends to be gay men, which is very fascinating to me. Straight men tend to be the least interested and the most aggravated by me. Straight men tend to be the most rude and disrespectful and ugly to me.

People are so unbelievable. The thing is; I’m a fucking strong man. You can say anything you want to me, go the fuck ahead. I don’t really fucking care. In the beginning it did kinda tweak me a little bit, so I had to learn to say, ‘You know what? It’s not about me, it’s about them.’

I’m proud of myself. My partner is proud of me. My friends are proud of me and because I have such an amazing circle of people around me, it pushes me up even more and makes me feel… and then I get people like you and people like Keith at Titan, who are just so amazingly supportive of my work, it makes me even push harder and harder.

Eventually a couple of straight guys are going to come around and say, ‘Hey, you know what? Buck is hot… I might not want to fuck him, but I think he’s kinda cool, what he’s doing.’

I think that’ll come around for sure, definitely, somewhere along the line.

JC: Why the decision to become a porn star?

BA: It was weird. It wasn’t like I chose to become a porn star. I was working in the porn industry behind-the-scenes. I was making fetish movies with my ex-partner who’s a dominatrix, and I was doing all this stuff and making websites, and working with transsexual women doing websites, and it just clicked in my head, like, ‘Jesus Christ, there’s nobody doing female-to-male tranny porn! There’s nobody doing it.’

In a world of porn where basically you can see and do everything, right? There’s nobody doing any type of female-to-male transsexual porn. That was fascinating to me.

So, I just did it, not knowing what was going to happen. Honestly, I really didn’t. I just felt like I was the one that was chosen to do it, you know.

And it just goes to show you that even today, after three years, I’m still trying to find guys to shoot and bring into my work; there’s not many guys that want to do this – very, very, very few. That’s why you don’t see my movies with other guys. I’d like to eventually just produce and direct with other guys like me.

JC: Are there others like you?

BA: Very few and when I get them, to be honest with you, they’re just not up to the quality of guy that I’d like to have, you know? I’d like to put out guys that have really nice bodies and look like they really want to take care of themselves.

Most of the ones that come to me don’t tend to be up to the standards that I’m looking for right now. Not to say that someone might get turned on by that, but for me as an artist and as somebody who’s doing this, I have a vision of what I want my guys to look like.

Even then, since I’ve been doing this, there’s maybe a handful of men that have come to me. And then, when I go to get them to do the movie, they’re very shy or decide that they decide that they’re not ready to do it at this point.

It’s just amazing. They just are not comfortable being men with pussies. They’re not comfortable with it. Eventually, I hope that I’m going to be able to change that situation for them.

JC: When you get negative reaction is it always from straight guys?

BA: Oh yeah. I would say that 99% of the time it’s from straight men. You know, I don’t get as much hate mail now as I did in the beginning. Mostly, I’m on their blogs and the say, ‘Hey, dude. Check this out. This is fucking gross or weird” or “This is the most fucked-up thing I’ve ever seen!”

Just totally immature high school boy shit. If you have a problem, why don’t you just contact me and maybe we can talk about it?

JC: Well, you know the male-to-female transsexual thing is becoming very trendy and it’s mostly straight guys watching that, I would assume…

BA: Huge. Isn’t that funny?

JC: Do you think that female-to-male transsexuals will ever be as accepted?

BA: You’re going to hear this from me: That’s eventually going to happen. And I’m the one who’s starting that. I have invented a whole new genre of porn. Not a whole lot of people can say that, you know? Eventually, in the next five to ten years, every studio will have a Buck Angel. You watch – it’s going to happen.

But right now people are just wanting to see what I’m going to do and the bottom line comes down to money. How can they make money? Is there enough interest out there for people like Buck Angel?

JC: Well, how’s the response? How many films do you have?

BA: Actually, I have three films with Robert Hill and I have two of my own with Avalon. And I’m doing my third one now… My new movie that’s coming out now is called 'Buck Angel’s V is for Vagina.'

JC: I think there are a lot of people that have never even considered female-to-male transsexuals…

BA: I’ve been around for three years and you still hadn’t heard about me. Believe me, I’m everywhere, so that’s what I’m saying – it's just because I don’t think enough people know about me yet. The more people know about me, the more people see about me, the more fanbase I get.

JC: So, is it difficult to find people that will perform with you? Who do you use?

BA: Men and women and transsexuals. No straight men, obviously. That doesn’t work right now. Mostly gay men, bisexual and straight women I would say, and transsexuals.

I shot a movie with Wendy Williams. I did a movie for Gia Darling, but I didn’t shoot with Gia; I shot with Allanah Starr.

That was a history-making scene, me and Allanah Starr, that’s never been done in the history of porn – a male-to-female transsexual and a female-to-male transsexual. That title is 'Allanah Starr’s Big Boob Adventures.'

It’s a really hot scene and, of course, people are tripping on it because it was just so… like the camera man said, ‘I’ve been working in this industry for 30 years, Buck, and you just blew my fucking mind.’

JC: Well, like you said, the industry is kinda vanilla…

BA: It’s like – okay, why is an 800-guy gangbang okay, and why is getting my pussy fucked not okay? Like, I don’t get it, you know what I’m saying? That seems normal to them, but when I get my pussy fucked, it doesn’t seem normal.

If this is what turns you on, then that’s okay. But an 800-man gangbang, honestly; it does not turn me on to see a woman full of cum, like from head to toe. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think it’s okay. It’s totally okay.

But that’s why they all turn around and talk shit about my work. That is just so weird to me and so close-minded. We’re all in the same industry, people…

I get it and I know what I’m doing and being a pioneer. All of those things is very hard work and I have to educate. And believe me, that was never my intention. I did not want to do that. I just wanted to make fucking porn, but it’s turned into a lot more than that. I’m becoming a political activist at this point, a revolutionary. All kinds of things are coming from my work.

And I’m taking it on. I’ve decided I’m just going to take it on and I don’t really care.

That’s one of the reasons I moved out of the United States. All those damn stupid fucking laws that they’re making now; obscenity laws, which is so – whatever obscenity means – they can walk into your house and arrest you because they don’t like you, is basically what it is.

(Laughing) And there’s ‘Buck Angel, the man with the pussy.’ How more obscene can you get?

(For more information on Buck Angel, visit www.buckangel.com or www.transsexual-man.com. Photo used by permission of Buck Angel)

The ? Spot

There’s a guy I know – sexy, well-endowed and eager to please. And I can always tell when he’s looking for my G-spot.

If we’re in missionary with him kneeling upright and my legs in a V-position, he’ll grab my ankles like ski poles and sort of steer, kind of like he’s running moguls. He’ll pull my legs a little wider sometimes, or wrap his arms around my shins and close them tight then sling them towards his right shoulder. He shifts his weight slightly to thrust at a different angle and I know he’s trying to hit the target.

Or, if I’m on all-fours, he’ll use his hand to reach in there and start fishing around for it, manipulating me with the famous “come hither” hooked finger maneuver, so that I feel this delicious pressure and the sensation of being full, like I have to go to pee. But I never get off with just this particular technique.

In the midst of all the breathing, sweating, muscles stretching and straining, pushing and pulling, position-changing, communicating, maintaining eye contact and/or managing a long, deep kiss – in the midst of all that, I’m not sure what spots he’s hitting.

And the real truth is – I could give a shit if he ever finds my G-spot. In fact, I’ll go one step further and say if I only have an orgasm 5 percent of the time, that’s okie-dokie with me.

Never having been terribly orgasmic to begin with, the only surefire way to make me cum is to apply vigorous, direct manual, mechanical or oral stimulation to my clitoris for anywhere from 5 to 45 minutes while I fantasize about gangbangs and sex with strangers in public restrooms/dark alleys. For the guys out there that have worked so diligently to provide me with a mind-blowing orgasm, just know those fantasy scenarios do include you. Most of the time.

And with this particular lover, chasing an orgasm is more of a psychological game we play. I know he really is trying to make sure I’m satisfied, but he is also getting a big boost to his big ego by transforming me into a wailing, sex-crazy she-devil with the stroke of his mighty penis. I show him my response by spitting, clawing and vocalizing like an inflamed alley cat while he enjoys the show.

I’m not faking anything; I’m just not focused on attaining any goal except enjoying his company. And he’s sex-savvy enough to understand – he doesn’t take it personally if our sessions don’t always end in a paralyzing, earth-shaking explosion.

He’s just as apt to jump off the bed and go get a glass of water, if he’s thirsty. And when he comes back, he might just want to watch Discovery Channel. Or I might get hungry and suggest we go get something to eat. It doesn’t even bother him if he doesn’t have an orgasm. Any length of time we spend just touching, teasing and playing is some of the best sex I’ve ever had, with or without a “happy ending.” It hits the spot, figuratively if not literally, and that’s all that matters.

So, for me, I think G-spots and orgasms are a bit overemphasized, in terms of what kind of importance is placed on them as the ultimate means and measure of a women’s pleasure.

Every month for as long as I can remember, the cover of Cosmo has featured an article on how to ramp up your orgasm/his orgasm and assorted other information to potentially improve your sex life – sandwiched in between pages and pages of advertising for products geared towards making you feel attractive enough to get this wonderful sex life that you need to be improving upon.

Google search the term “G-spot” and you’ll get 2,000,000 references in .21 seconds. In fact, if you search “G-spot” on Amazon.com, you’ll come up with 1,502 books mentioning the term; some of those are technical texts with obscure references to other types of G-spots, but the great majority of them are sexually-oriented literature falling into the areas of health, body and mind, or medical.

Wow, that’s whole lot of writing on a bean-sized area of spongy tissue allegedly located one-third to one-half of the way up your vagina, on the anterior wall near the urethra, in relation to the Skene’s glands, otherwise known as the “female prostate.” I mean, how much conjecture or rhetoric can there be on the topic? Apparently, a lot of writers have successfully managed to sell feature stories and get a book deals out of the search for the Holy G-spot.

This is a quote from Wikipedia’s posting on the G-spot (not a written-in-stone reference, but good enough for government work and blogs): “There is a great deal of dispute about the reality of the G-spot. It is mostly referenced in books on sexuality aimed at a popular audience.”

I asked Dr. Carol Queen, the founder/director of San Francisco’s Center for Sex and Culture, her opinion on whether the importance of trendy techniques overshadows other aspects of satisfying sex, like good communication or being comfortable with your body.

“Here's the real problem,” Queen said. “The pop media presents these things as though they will work equally well for everyone who tried them. Remember Kim Cattrall's book with the techniques drawn in red, with directional arrows and such? That's a roadmap for getting Kim off, not me or you or her other readers. It is so misleading to present these ideas as though they will work for everyone.”

The sex manual Queen is referring to is “Satisfaction: The Art of the Female Orgasm,” (Warner Books, 2002) co-authored by actress Cattrall and her real-life, jazz musician husband Mark Levinson.

In Publisher’s Weekly, Cattrall is quoted from the book, saying, “’Some people... assume that for me to play a sexually open character, like Samantha Jones on HBO's Sex and the City, I must have had fabulous sex most of my life. Well, the truth is that until three years ago most of my sexual experiences were miserable."

I guess playing a wanton strumpet on cable TV does qualify you as some kind of expert in between the sheets. But I’m not sure if I want to take a whole lot of sex advice from a woman who, admittedly, was having “miserable” sex up until she was 43-years old. (Interesting also, to note, that Cattrall and Levinson were divorced in 2004.)


“I actually think there is too little basic down-to-earth information given in many pop culture sources," Queen explained further, "with a huge emphasis on making orgasms better... for women who often are not reliably orgasmic at all! Since almost none of us have been able to count on really strong sex educations, this trend is problematic.

“Especially if the women receiving the G-spot (or whatever) technique info assume that they can go right to that level without truly understanding and mastering (mistressing?) basic body knowledge, arousal, and all the things that must be in place for their sexuality to function without problems. Skipping the basics and then recommending elements that aren't going to be major parts of every woman's erotic response seems wrongheaded to me.”

Likewise, noted sex expert Tristan Taormino sees the situation as two ends of a double-headed issue.

Famous for a regular sex column in the Village Voice, her anal workshops, books and instructional videos, Tristan has spoken to thousands of people all over the world about sexuality in every variation.

“On the one hand,” she said, “I feel like that whenever something sort of reaches popular consciousness, it’s a good thing.

“The G-spot has obviously been around for a while; it’s in our bodies. But the notion that now, everyone knows about it – people are asking about it and are curious about it, I think, is a good thing. The more information people have about their bodies, how they work, about pleasure and sexuality is a great thing.”

“But then on the other side, something happens when something becomes sort of hot and trendy," Taormino said. "When I lecture colleges and universities, I want to say to people, ‘Some women have tried G-spot stimulation and it’s just not for them, and that’s okay.’ That doesn’t mean you’re broken or that you’re not having as good a sex as your roommate is… People have this idea that it should be this certain way and if it doesn’t happen this certain way, like, oh my God, like I’m not normal or whatever...

“I think I’ve had really amazing and great and very satisfying sex, without having an orgasm. For me, in my twenties, you could blow on me and I could have an orgasm. I got to my 30s and it became a lot more difficult for me to cum. And so, sometimes, I get to a point where I’m headed in that direction and then I completely veer off-course.”

“But, I’m aware of it," she said. "I know my body really well, and I’m like, ‘You now what? It’s not gonna happen… But, I’m totally down with what we’re doing – it’s fun, let’s keep on doing it.’”

Both Tristan and Dr. Queen point out the obvious; every woman is different. So, finding out what makes you tick should never be defined by trying to duplicate the same result - that goes for everything from wearing a size four dress to shooting the orgasmic moon or searching for some sexual Holy Grail.

Don't get me wrong; I enjoy getting off just as much as the next person.

But I’m also really glad I never let the lack of an orgasm stop me from having a really good time. As far as I’m concerned, if my pleasure-loving partner wants to Mapquest my G-spot using his dick as a compass, then I’m going to look at that trip like a scavenger hunt. It’s not necessarily what you end up with – it’s what you find along the way.

Artwork used is entitled "Target, 1974," by Jasper Johns

Part One: Buck Angel

“It’s too bad people feel that the genitals make you that gender. It’s totally ridiculous.” – Buck Angel

I was first turned on to Buck Angel by Keith Webb, co-owner and vice president of Titan Media, a gay studio in San Francisco well-known for their buff, burly models, leather fetish and condoms-only safe sex policy.

Researching a story on condom use in the straight industry versus policies in the gay industry, I mentioned I was also working on a piece about transsexual porn. Like most heterosexual people, I still had a tendency to confuse gay with transsexual, so Webb was trying to set me straight (pun intended).

“Let me tell you, it is not gay,” he laughed. “Gay men do not want to watch chicks-with-dicks. It’s straight men that want to watch it.”

Further along in the conversation, he added, “You know, we are the first gay studio to use Buck Angel. There’s chicks-with- dicks and now, the new thing is guys-with-pies – Buck Angel is a female-to-male transsexual. He was born a woman, but he’s become a man, but he still has a vagina.”

At that moment, my mind couldn’t quite comprehend what I was being told. I’m sure I asked Webb if Buck was a biological guy that had his penis removed and a vagina constructed, but otherwise keeping his male characteristics. He repeated himself a second time, until I finally got it.

That’s what happens when you try to explain Buck Angel to people. It takes them awhile to get it.

For my tranny porn story, I did end up featuring Buck, who was relatively new to the adult business at the time. This interview, conducted in May 2006, came at a time when Buck was still having great difficulty breaking into porn. No one in the “mainstream” adult industry was even sure there was a niche for Buck, though there was growing demand for male-to-female transsexual porn.

Since then, I’ve interviewed Buck several times and found him to be remarkable in many ways. Aside from the typical (if you can call it that) story of being “trapped inside the wrong body,” his life is truly stranger-than-fiction.

Prior to transitioning, Buck had a taste of the spotlight as a female high-fashion model during the 80s, for Elite Model Management and Z Agency, out of London. In the biography on his website he said, at the time, he was miserable and living as a woman was, at best, painfully difficult.

Two years after surgery, in 1998, Buck married professional dominatrix Ilsa Strix. Their unconventional relationship and break-up was chronicled in a January 2006 Rolling Stone article, entitled ”The Mystery of Larry Wachowski”.

Wachowski, co-director with his brother Andy of the blockbuster “Matrix” movie trilogy, met and fell in love with Strix after seeking her services as a professional mistress. Both she and Wachowski left their marriages to be together and, in 2003, appeared at the Cannes Film Festival. Afterwards, the pair became reclusive as rumors of hormone therapy and sexual reassignment to become a woman swirled around Wachowski.

Award-winning author Stephen Elliott wrote an insightful rebuttal to the Rolling Stone article and the way it portrayed both transsexuals and BDSM culture, which was posted on Huffington Post.

Buck has since remarried to Elayne, a well-known body-piercing artist. After producing a few releases with Robert Hill Releasing, Buck started his own production company, Buck Angel Entertainment. One of his videos, titled “V is for Vagina” is a thinly disguised dig at the Wachowski Bros’ film, “V is for Vendetta.”

A lot has been written about Buck, and I’ll quote Gerry Visco, from the New York Press, “At first, I wasn’t sure whom this human hybrid was meant to appeal to – women, men, gays or straights. But when I met Buck in the flesh, I discovered he oozes sex appeal. He’s also smart healthy and funny.”

Honestly, I couldn’t agree more.

JC: You’re pretty unique in the transgender genre?

Buck Angel, female-to-male transsexual porn star: Basically, because I’m the only one. I’m female-to-male transsexual and basically, I go by ‘Buck Angel, the Man with the Pussy.’
I don’t really consider myself a transsexual so much anymore; I kind of use that more for marketing. I would say I basically live my life as a man – I just happen to have a pussy.

JC: It’s so weird to talk about the topic because it’s difficult – I don’t know what’s politically correct and I don’t want to sound like an ass.

BA: Let me just tell you right now, there is nothing politically correct for me. You can call me anything, you can say anything and if I have a problem with it, I’ll tell you. It’s part of what I’m doing – it’s just the way it is…

JC: So, you just always wanted to be a man?

BA: It’s the same old story that you hear. You know, we grew up in the wrong body, we never felt like the way we were. Basically, the same story – I never felt comfortable being a woman or a girl or in that body. Even growing up, my parents treated me like a boy. They called me a boy’s name. I played all kinds of sports.

Until I got to be a teenager, and then they’re like, oh-ho-ho-ho, wait a minute – you gotta start acting like a girl!

And I’m like, ‘What are you talking about?’

That just spiraled me into a bad situation mentally because I was like, ‘Wait a minute. I’m a boy and I have to wear a dress.’

And that escalated into a bad situation of drugs and alcohol abuse until I got into my mid-twenties and decided, you know, if I don’t find a way out of this, I’m going to commit suicide – I was that desperate to be a man. I just could not be living as a woman anymore. It was not comfortable.

So, I had a sex change in my late 20s and basically, it’s been going great for me since the time I started my first hormone shot. That was where I needed to be, you know. I needed to be the man that I am. Without that situation, I would not be sitting here.

JC: And you made this difficult transition…

BA: Like I said, it was life-threatening for me. I was on the verge of suicide. I was very uncomfortable with myself for many years and it was a life-threatening situation for me. I had to make that change. And I did. I found out how to do it and when I did it, 15 years ago, it was not trendy. It was not ‘everybody’s doing it.’ It was not like just go find a doctor. It was very difficult for me to find a doctor. The surgeon I went to had never even operated on a guy like me before. My hormone doctor had never dealt with female-to-male transsexuals; he mostly did male-to-female transsexuals. But like I said, I just went and I did it because I was determined to do it.

I think there is a reason for me to be here today, for me to go through all that pain and all of a sudden do what I’m doing and be where I am today…

JC: When you talk about having the surgery; you didn’t have complete surgery, though.

BA: Men like me, female-to-male transsexuals can have what’s called “bottom surgery,” penis surgery; yes, they can.

But I have to let you know, and a lot of people get upset when I say this, but I’m the kind of guy that puts myself out there for reasons that there might be other guys who might feel the same way and not be able to express it. I don’t feel that the penis surgery is up to my standards.

I’m a perfectionist and I feel like, if I’m going to have a penis, the penis better work, the penis better be able to make pee through it. I want to cum through it. I want to get a hard-on through it. All those things are impossible to do with the penis surgery today.

You know, you can have a penis, basically put on, and then you have a penis there, but it doesn’t really work. It doesn’t work like a man’s penis. It has all these different things you have to do to it, and it doesn’t aesthetically look like a penis.

So, why am I gonna spend $50 to $70 thousand on something like that? That just makes no sense to me.

I’m perfectly comfortable having a pussy. Really, honestly, it does not make me any less of a man. It’s too bad that people feel that the genitals make you that gender. It’s totally ridiculous.

JC: Right; because in your mindset, you’re a man.

BA: I’m a guy. I have a billion dildoes I can strap on if someone needs to get fucked; that’s not even an issue. My hard-on can stay all night long; you know what I’m saying? And if my partners are okay with me having a pussy, which many times they are, then they can fuck my pussy. So, I have a lot more options than a “regular” guy.

Actually, it’s amazing because you can’t even imagine the amount of emails I get from guys that say they fantasized about men like me their whole life.

And I think, ‘Wow!” They’ve never been able to write that down ever in their whole life, and now their able to send me emails telling me how they fantasized about a man like me. It’s just, to me, that’s just incredible.

In Part Two, Buck discusses his struggles to be accepted as a porn star, why it was important for him to be part of the industry and his recent success and accomplishments. Visit Buck's membership site at www.transsexual-man.com

Photo used by permission of Buck Angel.

Donut Deployment

I’ve been going through a bit of a dry spell lately. A few months without having sex with anyone but myself, especially now that things between me and X have cooled completely.

And, it seems, even a little bit of deprivation can do funny things to the senses. Like being on a diet – whenever I can’t indulge in, let’s say, donuts, it seems like I can pick up the scent of puffy rings of dough bobbing in vats of hot grease, at five o’clock in the morning, from the nearest Crispy Crème which is about two miles away.

Lying in bed, I can practically hear the oil sizzling. I imagine mounds of crème-filled delights being glazed and then double-glazed with sweet, sticky layers of sugary white icing and what it would be like to be shoving one in my mouth, plunging my tongue into the middle and sucking out all the warm custard inside.

Mmmmmmm. Then, I get up and have scrambled egg whites for breakfast.

In terms of sexual appetite, maybe it’s because I’m getting older. My rampaging hormones have laid a fuse straight from my brain to my pussy; the timer is counting down and sparks are sputtering.

My libido, like a desperate kidnapper, is holding my common sense hostage with a penis-shaped pistol to my head. Whole days go by when I can’t remember where I put my car keys or if I mailed the cable bill. Sitting at my computer, secret sex agents are lurking in the shadows of my imagination. They all have great abs and huge, glistening cocks.

If I don’t kill them, I’ll never get any work done.

I try to pay ransom with self-induced orgasms, delivered in the dark of night by fantasy lovers armed with Hitachi Magic Wands, silicone dildoes and plenty of lube – but it’s never enough. The terrorists want to see some action. They want to feel the earth move when the bomb finally detonates. Pretty soon, my common sense will be brain-washed, too. Dressed in combat fatigues and one of those cute commando berets with a strap-on slung low across my hips – that’s when the real mayhem begins.

Of course, being on the fringe of the adult industry adds to the tension. Just when I manage to reach hormonal détente, the ceasefire is interrupted with a blast of sex bomb pornography.

The other day, I was with my friend Tina Tyler, looking at photo sets from her solo male masturbation epic, “Handyman 2.”

Ten guys, all in great shape and hotter than hell, jacking off and talking to the camera as if it were a woman they’re dying to fuck. I’m lined up in front of the firing squad, so to speak, with no blindfold.

“Look at this one,” says Tina, her granny glasses perched on the end of her freckled nose. “That’s Johnny Castle – he’s new, but really fucking hot, eh? Look at that…” She runs her fingertip down the screen over a photo of his eight-pack and pecs chiseled out of solid muscle and smooth skin. His abs remind me of a big, tasty bear claw, sprinkled with sugar.

“That’s fucking amazing,” I agree.

In another photo, Tina points out Castle’s particularly large scrotum and how some women like that.

Aesthetically, it does set him apart from the other performers. I ponder for a moment, not having given much thought to scrotum size.

“I’m not sure if I’m into that so much,” I say. “But he has kind of a thug look – you know, that whole bad boy thing…”

She’s turned-on by each set of photos because she shot them and is proud of her still photography. Tina is a workaholic and an excellent director. Her keen eye is able to pick out what is characteristic of each model and then use it to the best advantage.

Me? I’m just looking and thinking and getting horny.

There’s Jack Lawrence, who has a reputation for being the best pussy-eater in the business. He knows just how to pose, with his face turned slightly downwards, pouty smile and big, hazel eyes that say, “I’ve been a very naughty boy.” His bulging, vein-y dick is so big; he needs two hands to “jack” off with. If he were a donut, he’d be a glazed twist. Mmmm, yummy.

We both agree Cheyne Collins is a little bit thick; Tina explains he’s just back from vacation and hasn’t worked out in a few weeks.
But I kind of like that; much better than being too lean. There’s a momentary mind flash of Collins between my thighs with me having all that to hold on to. He’s a cinnamon roll; no doubt about it. Plus, he has very pretty eyes.

Then, Tina pulls up the file on Herschel Savage. He’s a classic star that’s been around since the 70s, handsome and charismatic.

Hersch’s segment was set up as a business man coming home from work to his video-camera wielding wife. Dressed in business clothes, he’s never fully naked throughout the whole scene.

But something about the contrast between the crisp linen shirt with his erection straight up out of the open fly of his dress slacks makes the scenario even hotter. More than that, it’s his facial expression.
“Goddamn,” I tell Tina. “Herschel looks fucking awesome!”

Staring straight into the camera; the look on his face, simply put, is just plain nasty. His eyes, half-closed and sensuous, one half of his upper lip curled up in a snarl – he is the portrait of a grown man, hard and hot, that would fuck you like a wild animal if you let him anywhere near you.
“Yeah? Doesn’t he?” she says. “He was so horny through the whole shoot…”

With his experience, Herschel is a pro. He knows how to unleash raw sexual heat and gets it on the video. Using all his charms to flirt with the camera, he knows it’s the small details that make a big difference. And that’s something younger guys sometimes don’t understand.
He may be an old-fashioned, but he’s loaded with delicious spices.

Of course, one of the advantages to being an older woman is there is a larger and larger pool of young hotties to choose from. And my lust is not always so hardcore or limited to porn stars.

At my day gig, there’s a young guy. Twenty-three, blonde, built, from the South, fresh out of the military and loaded with that sort of sweet, down-home hospitality. And he’s a terrible tease, made even more terrible because he seems nearly oblivious to it. Like a big, ten-month old puppy that keeps trying to hump your leg.

So obvious, you want to laugh; wondering if it’s possible for even a young man to be so boyishly naïve – feeding you some ridiculous line while he’s batting his big, blue eyes at you with a goofy smile. And you’d swallow, hook and sinker, despite yourself.

He has no idea what was going on in my head; about the smoldering fuse or the drip-drip-drip of Chinese water torture games that leave me soaking wet.

One day, I was wearing a new pair of jeans and a couple of the girls were commenting on them. Jumping into the conversation uninvited, he stopped to ask what we were talking about.

“We were just checking out Joanne’s pants,” one girl replied.

“Really? I check out Joanne’s pants almost everyday,” he chimed.

I felt myself blush and my ears starting to ring. Or maybe that noise was the alarm bell going off in my head, warning my common sense that rampant terrorist hormones had escaped and were on the loose. Stunned and immobilized, all I could do was stand there like an idiot, as he be-bopped out of the room.

Sometimes when he walks by I can smell, from somewhere off in the distance, fresh donuts being scooped out of a deep fryer into wire baskets. I imagine myself rolling around in a cloud of powdered sugar.
And then I imagine him licking it all off of me.

He doesn’t know it, but he’s my private paratrooper. Laughing, he flirts with danger and is able to disarm even the most diabolical libido with his bare hands. In my fantasy, he’s covered in grime and sweat, wearing torn-up camis and sporting a big gun. He’s kicking in the door of the room where the terrorists are holding me prisoner.

Help me, baby! I need help!

One of these days, I’m going to ask him if he likes chocolate or jelly-filled, with or without sprinkles.

(Tina Tyler's "Handyman 1-3" is available at the Mercenary website. Also, check her other series for Mercenary Pictures, "Superwhores," "Black Moon Rising," "Fresh Out The Box" and "Ironhead." )